Where the $#@ are my Magazines?

Where the $#@ are my Magazines?

Technicolor Gramophone's picture



Liner Notes: 

True story (well, most of it)!

Seinfeld fans will recognize "as I rained blows down upon him," which was originally uttered by Frank Costanza in the Festivus episode.


UPS lost a package of music magazines - good British ones like Mojo and Uncut and Shindig - sent from my friend Monte. So I called. Do you know what I said? I said:

"Where the @$!% are my magazines? Where the @$!% are my magazines?"

When that didn't get me anywhere, I hid and lay in wait for the UPS truck. I snuck up and pulled the driver out of his seat and threw him on the grass. As I rained blows down upon him, do you know what I said? I said:

"Where the @$!% are my magazines? Where the @$!% are my magazines?"

Now, whenever I see a delivery truck - whether it's Amazon, FedEx, UPS or USPS - I can't help myself. I run up to the truck screaming, and do you know what I say? I say:

"Where the @$!% are my magazines? Where the @$!% are my magazines?"

Picture the scene: All these drivers get together in a disused warehouse with bags of goodies stolen from their respective trucks. Amazon:"Hey does anyone want this VHS of Top Gun?" FeEx: I've got a nice bottle of vintage wine here!" And the UPS driver: "Anyone here a music fan? I've got all these glossy imported magazines..." And it all just makes me say once again:

"Where the @$!% are my magazines? Where the @$!% are my magazines?"

Please keep your comments respectful, honest, and constructive. Please focus on the song and not the demo.


standup's picture

Yah, I hear you. You're on a list somewhere. If you never see another Amazon/UPS/Fedex truck in your neighborhood you'll know what happened.

VHS of Top Gun. Hah.

I like the gradual octave drop at the end.

cts's picture

*mic drop*. I don't have anything else to say. Too funny for words. Clever with lots of bite.

coolparadiso's picture

yup this is hilarious! in that warehouse they also have my 12 remote controls, 3 sets of my car keys and 47 left socks! made me laugh today this!

wobbie wobbit's picture

very enjoyable haha - love the rhythm of the chorus and i like the effects on the vocal there. some great lines and my favourite bit was the spoken through sigh on And it all just makes me say once again. nice one.

cleanshoes's picture

Oh noooo, haha! Relatable. You know, the repetition almost reminds me of a camp song, but for adults. I like the vocal modulation at the end. Thanks for the laugh this morning! Though I am sympathetic, really.

Fuzzy's picture

Oh yeah, I get it; once upon a time I was waiting for a delivery from FedEx and it never showed up.
Turns out that the driver couldn't find the address, so he just threw the package in the back of the truck and left it there for two months.
Really great spoken word thingy here.
I love that "chorus" with the layered vox.
Great pitch-shifted ending for sure.

billwhite51's picture

my bank is in the US,but dont have an ATM card because it was stolen all five tmes i requested one after the one i had expired. as a result, the only way i can get money is to paypal it to my wife, who spends most of it herself. tn peru, if you receive a package from the US, it will never arrive. they steal everything. and now, wuth covid, all iternationapackages are impoinded by customs, who dont even notify you that it is there. and even deliveres from local businesses fail to arrive, covid being an excuse for the delivery people to steal whatever is at hand. these are some of the reasons i love this particular song. the thing that trumps my identfication with the subject, however, is you spectacular dramatic performance. scorsese needs to hear this.