Bald Guys Are KGB Spies

Bald Guys Are KGB Spies

Kurtis Kanttila's picture




Liner Notes: 

WOW. I sent ol' G3 Darnell a track and asked him to do his thing. He played both guitar solos, sang on the verses + chants in the chorus and wrote the verse lyrics. I had no idea what to expect and I didn't ask for anything specific. I'm more than happy with this one and it reflects the fun spirit I intended for this song! Somehow he read my mind and delivered what I had in mind for the solo AND THEN SOME.


In 1985 PiiKKERALA guitarist Castinobeano Castelli was at a Helix concert when he spotted a guy with a King Kobra patch on his jean jacket. After striking up conversation, and giving Helix an R, the two went back to the studio where the mystery man laid down guitar solos and guest vocals on what would become the song "Bald Guys Are KGB Spies". Who was this man? It was none other than G3 Darnell! One time guitarist of underground Sunset Strip Hair Metal group Battleship Snail. and by one time he literally played with the group one time, changed the face of Hair Metal guitar, and walked away.

PiiKKERALA was approached by Polish-Canadian record producer Timbonino Zieiatojcieniakszczeczerwinsonski III to contribute a song to the "Rock Against Gorbachev" compilation on Double W Records & Tapes. The band seemed to misunderstand the gravity of the situation and the song was unfortunately turned down by Zieiatojcieniakszczeczerwinsonski III. In a Guitar magazine interview he stated "If that song saw the light of day Gorbachev would of never torn down that wall". However it was not lost at all, appearing on the band's final studio album "Two Big Ones".

G3 Darnell was never seen by Castelli or the rest of the band again. Some say there was a voice that kept on calling him, down the road, where he'll always be. He had to move on once again. But the band never forgot his contribution, especially when Garboläinen redubbed it for PiiKKERALA's 1988 compilation album "Big Hits, Huge Tits & Timbits". Much tension was caused in the group, Castelli sighting it was purely a move to block Darnell from royalties. Garboläinen disappeared from the limelight soon after, resurfacing only to engage the rest of the band in yearly lawsuits until he was left with 100% of PiiKKERALA's earnings.


I'm a big rock star- With a spy guitar
I got Babe Radar - Installed in my Bond Car

Gorbachev, wants you (for)
Information, on your nukes

(BODYGUARD) Oh I'm fully loaded tonight
(BODYGUARD ) See my M16 with an iron sight

(KGB) Watch that bald guy!
(KGB) He's a spy!
(KGB) Watch that bald guy!

She got the secret pass - Tattooed on her big ass
I'm taking photographs - That ass is world class

Did you see Rocky IV?
The Russians are rushing for more

(BODYGUARD) Gonna save that perfect body
(BODYGUARD) I got the power of Gandhi!

(KGB) Watch that bald guy!
(KGB) He's a spy!
(KGB) Watch that bald guy!

Please keep your comments respectful, honest, and constructive. Please focus on the song and not the demo.


kahlo2013's picture

Wow!!!!! Those guitars are sizzling and the beat is great! Love the energy and emotion in the vocals! Cool contrasts in the vocal delivery! Love that gravelly deep KGB with the soaring melody on top! This really rocks and is so wonderfully creative quirky and campy!! LOVE!!!!

billwhite51's picture

this is rock opera material. beats the hell out of tommy.

Candle's picture

The Castelli - Garboläinen feud is one of those legendary stories of Rock & Roll. I still hear whispers of it in bars across the northwest. Some blame Castelli's need to explore new musical frontiers, while others blame Garboläinen's ego for the end of what is one of the world's greatest unknown bands. The fact that Castelli brought in a stranger into the group to cut this track was perhaps the spark that set off the feud. Fans to this day still debate this. In the end, all we have are these great songs & memories of cold nights in dank bars sipping Molson Canadians. Wink

Superb collab gents. This one needs to be put to a wider audience.

See You In The Shadows…

coolparadiso's picture

loved it all .i was hooked on the story alone. voice reminded me of Rammstein then blazing guitars! when can i come to the live show! awesome. gotta get you guys to give me this for the podcast. oh and the audacity to spell that polish name twice!!!!!

Freaks Of Nosmo 9's picture

I was in hair metal heaven with something stuffed down my trousers and more hair on my head than I knew what to do with. Wild music for wild men.

G3 Darnell's picture

Playing on the track was good enough but being part of the legend is something else. The liner notes are delicious. Ive gotta get this grin off my face before the wife thinks I’ve been banging the au pair

Fuzzy's picture

Ah, this takes me back to my youth watching Helix videos on MuchMusic.
Such lovely metal noises here.
Blistering guitar work for sure.
Excellent work.

Technicolor Gramophone's picture

Effing awesome! Great lyrics, raging guitar and fun interplay between the two voices. Also funny as heck ("tattooed on her big ass" made me laugh)! And the liner notes rule. I particularly like the galloping riff and lone bass at the end!

Jerry Pettit's picture

Wow, this is terrific! Not many folks around here know I'm a heavy metal fan--I never do it. This is inspiring! Great metal vocal on this AND THOSE GUITARS!!!!!

Wow, wow, wow!

Calum Carlyle's picture

Cannot wait to see the video for this song!
Also, of course bald guys are KGB spies, i mean that's how we tell them apart from the good guys, isn't it?